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One of the Ones

March 31, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson

The pain of saying goodbye. I write of this because it affected my life comprehensively. I am no stranger to grief, which of course does not make it any easier, just familiar. I saw our relationship coming to an end but did not want to talk about it. How much more inviting it was to pretend. How fun it was to think he was not exactly right for me but that we would be together in some kind of fairy tale rom-com. They say opposites attract and almost sure enough, although we had similar core values and tastes, we also had some significant opposing stances. I realized I was really falling for him, especially when we were just connecting on our beliefs and not on an overarching issue like fiscal policy.

We were close, or so I thought, but first, let me go back a bit.

We met in Fall and what was romantic turned to friendship. The scenario seemed reversed, so all the more reason I thought this could probably end better than previous designs on my heart. The movies show a cute chemistry of couples disagreeing while falling for each other, which we seemed to mirror.

The stories do not seem to especially zero in on the struggle of miscommunications and the baggage we may carry from past hurts. What became very real to me was how much I did not want to be hurt and how I ran for the hills before he pulled me back, for which I both thanked and blamed him. I walked into some familiar disappointments that I thought I could avoid. However, I also matured in opting to be more open and vulnerable. Being long distance made it harder and I wondered if it could have been easier or even tougher if we saw each other every day. Who is to say? Also, I knew there were a lot of platitudes, and I began to wonder how much of our excitement was sustainable and how much was being in love with love. I questioned our staying power. Initially, his excitement was overwhelming. I tried to reach a slower pace that was not me simply being guarded.

I write of this to be transparent about the recent challenges of a relationship ending. I write of this in appreciation for what now seems to be fading behind me. I more so reflect on the irreplaceable gratitude I considered in my last post.

Here was another part of my growing process. In spite of just being disappointed, I am thankful. Even a day that felt like a digression was another day heading away from the initial disappointment. The painful moments of letting go were not constant. They stung but were not meant to last and I can appreciate the relief from any issues we had been facing. I can take comfort in the humor and affection that always gets to be what it was. The experiences will always be what we have and how we got to enjoy each other. I would rather be here and have learned, knowing I got to be there and knowing I get to be better.

Ours to Claim

March 30, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson

As I found myself doing my gratitude recognition and being prayerfully mindful of the simple things I have like my basic needs and even many desires, I realized what I can easily overlook. I usually recognize what is recent and constant but had to note, there is something more. There is another more grounded foundation for gratitude. This aspect can be irreplaceable. There is the appreciation for the multitude of experiences passed, places I got the honor of seeing, circles in which I moved, and people who accepted me in the most respectable, affectionate ways and then there are people to whom I had the pleasure of providing help, encouragement and support.

The memories of circumstances, events, past friends and current friends will always have their place. You and I cannot be robbed of these fortunes. There is an appreciation for experiences and circumstances I will always hold dear or from which I was able to recover and learn. We are all fashioned with a unique story. I am sure we can think of interesting people we have met, people that find us interesting, misfortune we have escaped or surpassed, and just simply being somewhere maybe especially fun or peaceful. The fact is no one can take away the moments you were able to live through and the personal way they made you feel. They will always have space and credit for being a part of your process. We get to be here and unlike new developments, there is an irreplaceable gratitude we can affix to the lives we have lived, to date.

Getting to experience the college student’s life was one stand out. Immediately following high school, I got to be the first in my immediate family to go away for this honor. I am lucky my parents and several of my teachers normalized this path for me. You get quite the momentum when people support your progress and or/ treat your path as given.

Being able to explore my cultural interests has been another spotlight. Volunteering freely here and in South America was a reminder of being in a brave and comfortable enough place to decide to uproot my life and provide some assistance for others. I can always appreciate the extended leap I took. Otherwise, I could have never counted so many international people among my friends.

Thanks to my parents, I also feel there is this work and study ethic forged inside my brothers and I, adding to our perseverance and endurance.  I cannot say all forms of striving are healthy or necessary (it can go left) but I am happy to see many instances were efforts equal purpose and achievement. The incredible influence that my parents, their parents and our ancestors have on us is something I can be grateful to hold within me, especially when I am down. Eventually, I get back to hope.

I am grateful no one can take away our experience. No one can take away all we got to do and see and who we got to meet. For better or worse, as I get older, I am remembering how I have survived and in what I have relished. I am remembering to have appreciation for moments passed. Different circumstances, different settings, different crowds. Remaining grateful for what comes now, I am pleased we get to have so many priceless gems tucked away.

buy me a hot chocolate

The Long Game

February 28, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson

Full stop. Forced to slow down. I was a little sick for a few days this month. The beauty is having no choice but to slow down. The other beauty is feeling gratitude for how you normally feel and reveling in the return to normalcy, feeling more gracious, more ready to accomplish your work naturally or just relax.

Today is a leftover of one of those days in which I can tell I have fully rebounded from choosing to eat what disagreed with me. Lost energy recovered and a lot less of an uphill climb today, the seeming setback just added a little more to the time I needed to prepare myself for work again and to finally be able to move on to my new organizational goals.

The next steps mean dismantling the façade of everything I own seemingly put away in the right spaces. I still need to address what may be stored away and what I need to dispense of for much lighter travels.

Perhaps saying goodbye to a lot of closet space, shelves, boxes and drawers will give me clarity. I have needed a change for a while.  Occupationally, I have made progress, but perhaps I am a little more stagnant in my environment. Going away from time to time does not seem to serve my complete curiosity.

Looking over my place, I am sure there is so much I thought I needed that no longer has the same purpose. There is also probably a lot of not knowing what I have. There could be an emotional analogy in how I have put items away, meaning to go back to them long before now, meaning to finish projects or think through ideas.

Keeping what I think I need will probably change and undoubtedly, I will have a hard time parting with some of the stuff. As I have moved to different apartments in the area before, I am also familiar with the surprise of simply holding on to other things like random papers and writing. I am now going through items and sense this is a good exercise for shifting my mindset and clearing space for another perspective. It would be nice to feel freer and lighter and I am curious how much of what I acquire is really me at all.

Some sentimentality and obsolete resources are no longer needed. I am okay with moving on, although there will be a bittersweet crossroads. I know that feeling too (and could be an explanation for my simultaneous stalling). I notice my past self even keeping some reminders of struggle, thinking this helpful in seeing how far I have come. I wonder was it really. Depending on the motivation and the mood, it seemed to be. I wonder how much I have changed without my stuff. I wonder how much of my stuff is really me.

buy me a hot chocolate

Apart From This

February 27, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson

Recent days have been a nice reset after all the constant hard work.

Every week in February has been especially busy until now, leading up to another yearly notch in my time here.

Seemingly, the break has been much needed, before I prepare to pick up the pace again right after my birthday. I am excited to be a little more mature (maybe) and quite a bit savvier (and silly). I hope. I suspect. I have been through a bit more, happily and a bit roughly and it appears to ring true that this shapes a person’s outlook and hopefully provides some degree of more wisdom. Some of this wisdom has been geared towards letting go.

I feel the support in all the different routes I must choose. I appreciate you all for affording me the opportunity to figure out my possibly nomadic or simply moving goals here. I appreciate the support from friends and family who fully imagine me following through, however long I take. Normally I am that pessimistic optimist who wants and hopes for good things but has that feeling like she is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thanks for watching me grow and get better at not preparing for something to go wrong?

Now, during some considerable time off, I want to enjoy my comforts and acknowledge what I have finished. I get a pass to work smarter. We all do. With over 1500 multi-faceted translation projects complete and other work under way, I plan to continue, just not in the same ways, rather more rest and ease in between, including taking care of myself and enjoying various relationships. This birthday break plus mini sabbatical was good practice.

The encouraging videos of Stephanie Perry (vaycarian) are soaking into my system more gradually as I work on this year being such a transition to a smarter easier life. More than likely, I may take more than a year to get there, but also, really?

Whereas momentum has been a positive in getting me over some humps, momentum also had a dangerous speed. I did more for less. I spent up a lot of my free time. I worked on fruitless issues and work. Maybe, a lot of us do in instances, to prove something to ourselves. We hope we create a worthy outcome, but I like the message I get from Stephanie and the other ladies. You can just be. You can just reinvigorate yourselves and dole out or not dole out your energy as you see fit. I am inspired by their practice and seeing others do the same.

Moreover, I am not even certain people can notice every detail of what we may try to do in work or volunteering. They may be able to, but I have not witnessed such thorough recognition. The argument may be that what is done is not about them, however I see actions so often intertwined with validations.  Inasmuch as others can appreciate other’s efforts, we have to stop short of taxing our bodies and minds. We can do what we choose, but I worry and hear of many people taking on too much for the wrong reasons and running themselves down. They make uneven sacrifices.

What about our health and having energy for ourselves and the right people. How about the freedom to just be, at some point. Stephanie underscores so much for me. I credit her and think how I never thought about how many common structures in the U.S. reiterate the growing issue of not being enough. Not doing enough. We may even discount what we do as not such a big deal or just being natural. We set an impossible weary bar.

2020 was a breakthrough when I broke away from having a traditional boss/bosses and gave up the necessity of commuting pretty substantially. During my gratitude and prayer practice, I remind myself how I could be in a totally different place and not just have the remnants of continuously doing doing doing. I could still be in the midst of this outlook instead of trying to do less.

If you are unrecognizable to yourself in your appearance or you feel spent when you do get a chance to sit down, give yourself credit and consider not doing much more.

Continue

January 31, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson

Hearing so much of the opposite, I will interject that becoming older is not a gradual way to start unliving life. I think about it more as I become older and as I hear some older people talking about what they supposedly cannot do. The list sounds more like what they think they should not do or even more lamentable, what they feel others would not expect them to do.

Through various media, everyday encounters and common knowledge, however, we know people who keep learning, keep seeing every sight on their bucket list, stay healthy and even body build as they become older.

Being here is not the sign some see to prepare themselves for pain and losses, although we know they can come. Alternatively, I want to see more of the nonconformist crowd who sees being here as more time to be okay mentally and physically and sees it as more time to keep investing in themselves and their paths to more adventures.

Why is getting older not equal to letting go of a quality life? I see and hear people all the time, who stay the course and still work on experiencing what excites them while working to take care of themselves. Seemingly out of context, I would easily answer Because JLo. People chuckle, but examples of stars are, after all, the most prevalent and easily aspirational. The fact of her, a YouTuber and that anyone who may not be an influencer can continue to achieve healthy life goals is enough proof to at least try.

She, like others, is not so irrelevant, and one of the reasons I feel inspired to consider all my options. With her being 50+, in great shape and driven, she is definitely high on my motivation list. Through ups and downs, there is no sign that being better while being older is impossible.

I just wonder when I hear foreboding about no longer being expected to feel good, have a lot of fun, go certain places, or learn something new. Why not have an equally easier time believing the reverse or aspiring in that direction?

Along with taking it easier, I still want to be focused on what seems like non-traditional expectations as we grow up, (as they say). Illness can happen at any age as well as accidents. When I saw that 60-year old retirees were considered the young people in a large number of expats in one group in Mexico, I found another easy reason to ask, why not try embracing what is nice, feeling what is easy, feeling more motivated and letting those good thoughts wrap around your well-being. Resignation is not so welcoming an explanation.

One Ways

January 30, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson

Strictly spontaneous.

Contrary but true. I realize I have to let my path take on a life of its own and the most planning I can do now is air tickets to my quasi destinations plus organizing all the administrative stuff that comes with a move.

I’m happy to take my welcome income with me on the road and in the air for a change of pace. I only wish I could be ready sooner. Still, I want to live up to the notion I had, and others realize I could have, of working from anywhere. I am still curious, however, if changing locales will distract me when I am otherwise not supposed to be having downtime.

I could maybe just pick up and go in several months. However, that excitement sounds as overwhelming as going a year from now, even though I have done this before. I still have some familiar reservations of turning away from those comforts and securities of just staying put, even where I feel restricted. I have a strong sense of freedom of trying somewhere different or even being somewhere tried and true (like home in Peru).

However still choosing to go, I instantly noticed the overwhelm of deciding to make a big change. Excitement lays my foundation, but uncertainty is just as familiar too. Fortunately, whatever you wish to do is being done by someone and as I looked at the work laid out before me; I was recently comforted by some forgotten advice. I was thankful for the nomad YouTubers I have especially been enjoying lately (Picky Girl Travels the World and Stephanie Perry), but especially a friend to both of them (Ivana Robinson) She quickly reminded me how next steps can unwittingly become too broad or too vague.

Ivana’s example was the item on her friend’s to-do list which read: “update website”. Naturally, the item kept moving down the list and further along the calendar. This is not to say every venture needs to be broken down, but her friend pointed out how much of a tall order this was to tackle. Similarly, I was recalling how many items were currently getting postponed on my calendar.

Ivana was suggesting a step back, maybe start off pinpointing what exactly you want to update. This alone would be one step forward. She proposed more examples amounting to just one task completed per day or per week.  She said maybe spend another day on just your bio, etc. There went my spirit lifting again. Good thoughts. I had forgotten how I primarily captured a lot of momentum in small ways before accomplishing some substantial goals. Work outs. Travel. I have been down these paths before. There is a big picture to reach but little pieces go towards each moment forward.

Although I have the panoramic outlook of being away for a long time, I was ultimately led back to the building blocks. The initial steps can begin simply. How soon I forgot. There was a lot of planning and organizing in my past. I did as much as possible in the time I had and managed to be more than okay. Simply beginning means a lot but also just knowing what I truly want, what you truly want, is the back story for everything we must choose.

Easy Stress

December 31, 2022 by Cassandra Johnson

I gave up on the notion of celebrating outside of my place. I’m happy for the New Year but also happy to save some money and even make some money during the holiday. I previously felt the pressure when asked what I was doing for the holidays, but sometimes I think it’s okay to just be okay with enjoying the day as normal, just as cities and towns may shut down a bit early or have a lot of revelry, respectively.

I think I’ve celebrated when I’ve liked and of course there’s even been times when the holidays are depressing but sometimes they’re just not and you feel like being quieter, reflective, just plain old chill. I’ll bring in a little extra dough and who knows, be on a beach about this time next year.

Every once in a while, It feels good to let go of the notion of having to have big plans or having to share time with a lot of people, when you can just catch up on face time or calling or text. Sometimes, pure relaxation is the order of the day.

I remember a few times when I really was just happy that I didn’t have to go into the office on a holiday. I was getting the day off and I relaxed at home against the misperception that you have to be out and about, in public or at someone’s home. Sometimes you want that, sometimes you don’t and just like what is expected of us such as having a certain job, having certain titles etc., we can quickly forget what we truly feel like doing.

As I relaxed and worked on Christmas, I felt really good letting go of the notion that I had to be doing something else more traditional. I welcome tradition and good food and company of course but I also don’t mind taking it easy, making my solo travel plans and having fond thoughts of being with others later on and just as I have been doing it in general, so much lately.

Lessons in letting go of small parts of my life have already brought me ease. I have traded bigger stressful situations for the kind of stress I can more easily remedy. Letting go of a job that did not serve me was my first step. I then let go of a lot of tasks that were like jobs but mostly just overextending myself. There is still a lot I want to do to help communities, but I have to make sure I am okay first too and not going on fumes like I previously have. I would be neglecting my true needs and hopes, being unkind to my mind and body. I realize it’s better to give back to people from a healthier foundation and take care of myself as well. There is a mutual respect in that.

So as I ring in the low key New Year, I am just as pleased for all the catching up with people through the various magic of technology and reconnecting with them in person throughout the year.

Consider This

December 29, 2022 by Cassandra Johnson

I am entering decision time. I guess I should not renew my lease for another year. Foremost on my list would be living in Cusco. I would get to live in one of my favorite cities in one of my favorite countries, enjoy all the good food and lively atmosphere, celebrate and enjoy more relaxation.

The cost of living in Washington D.C. has proven itself to be among one of the highest. More so lately, I cannot help imagining how much easier I could live as a freelancer elsewhere, perhaps even in my own ideal paradise.

Still, I have thoroughly enjoyed the setting of D.C. and had longed to come here for the fusion of people and cultures, plus DC has the DMV aspect of very easily being able to cross between DC itself and parts of Maryland and Virginia. One can naturally work and live in or among one of the three.  

Times have shifted here, however. I do not feel all the same ease I previously felt, even as a mostly laid back soul who works on holding space for a lot of people. Maybe that can be attributed to all the tension across multi-governmental levels. I cannot be sure about that. Very much depending on the venue and crowd, from place to place, I feel some ease or a lot of ease and fun and in other bars, restaurants, museums, etc, there is more of a tension, feigning to be relaxed. Maybe, there is something to me being “the other” that I just do not get everywhere. For some reason, it seems to be more apparent now and the exact opposite feeling I loved getting everywhere by moving to a cosmopolitan area. Perhaps, it is definitely a sign to get away again for now or for much longer. Recall the expression “good vibes”. There really does seem to be something to feeling the energy in the room and the energy you get and give to other people. There is an overall energy you sense in the air and the ambience compounds your feelings.

I am thankful I have been reminded of an earlier goal and drive to not just work and hang out abroad but to consider living there as well. I immediately felt renewed when I started mapping it out (even just at seeing the vision) again. I saw myself in Cusco’s main square again. I saw the historical landmarks and architecture. I felt the music of the bars and clubs. I again tasted the good food at the Peruvian, European and American styled restaurants where I had appeased my appetite during my past stay and trek. Yes. The comforting and tantalizing tastes also filled my memories. So for longer-term peace of mind and enjoyable goals, I’m going to continue to work through the rest of the holiday season and determining savings for travels vs. bills vs cost of living. Where am I living and where am I going? A reset was clearly needed.

How To Go

November 30, 2022 by Cassandra Johnson

Keep showing up. Keep checking in. What is it you really want to do? I repeat those encouraging words to myself although I have felt awkward these last couple of months. Awkward but excited.

I decided to be in venues by myself in addition to hanging out with friends and usually it is admittedly easier to have friends along with you. There are different levels. Museums and the like are easy places to go. Restaurants and sports bars have a different energy.

I am glad I showed up anyway as a matter of not always taxing my friends with my random plans and just as a matter of mixing it up, trying some new things nearby, relatively easy to get to or especially interesting to just me. Just chilling, I am never late nor early. I do at times feel like there is that initial customer radar, the passing glance of: “What’s her story?” “Date coming?” “Friend coming? “Stood up!” “Rowdy person?” Quiet one?” The radar subtly and not so subtly flickers out. Sometimes it doesn’t come, and servers and other employees are already pretty chill. What is intriguing is that I instantly feel more comfortable doing this abroad and I maybe chalk that up to the perspective I wrote about in The Uninhibited Life. I do get comfortable here and people are really friendly and/or flirtatious. I just never know, and I really think I have been more often pleasantly surprised this way.

By the end, I am encouraged to keep reminding myself not to limit what I do to whether I am with people or not. I am reminded you are always meeting people, or you can be chill and relaxed too. Travel underscores this so well.

So I know the encouraging words will not always encourage me. So I do appreciate the company of friends.  However I also want to keep being curious and doing what is a little different. No judgment if I don’t always have the nerve but nice to know I have the possibility to experience adventure, comfort and my freedom.

Success?

November 29, 2022 by Cassandra Johnson

I mentioned how much I tend to overwork in my last blog and realized this was true for other companies as well as for myself (though notably in conjunction with a company as well).

Consequently I decided to make serious plans for socializing. Determined to find some balance,  I needed to keep those plans. A lot could become of the next message I sent myself. I could fail and get discouraged but I also knew I had to set a better standard of balance between work and being good to myself.

Primarily, I was a little surprised that “being my own boss” could be challenging in ways outside of distraction and wanting to goof off. Zeroing in on my goals, I had gone the other way. Alternately, I am not all that surprised. My whole family puts in quite a lot of hours and while I can become distracted, I still expend a lot of energy on my projects, even when delayed.

I also recently heard some YouTubers talk about the pressure many of us feel to be productive. So even if we are not earning, many people feel like they need to accomplish a lot on their daily to-do list. We may even carry those sentiments into vacation mode.

I had some success. Maybe? In a way. From watching my university alma mater play that following Saturday with fellow alumni in the area, brunch with my former boss the next day and meeting with a good friend at a local bar to watch most of the election results come in, I was seriously on a good social track.

I additionally sat in ease over my delicious wrap and mimosa at Busboys and Poets as I realized I am better diversifying my income. I had been somewhat dabbling into possible side income but only now see true leverage among not being dependent on one source of revenue. The prior results were almost negligible, and it seemed so much easier to be at my previous job, having stable benefits like PTO. The fact is, however, I just can no longer imagine pursuing my true dreams from that angle.

I know balance does not always come in equal parts. The process is just more about not being too unhealthily unbalanced, especially in work and pressurized situations. Surely I have to note that week after week was not being spent with friends and family the way I had imagined.

For the sake of sanity and health, I realize we have to also take some moments to wind down and hitting reset is the only way we can continue to operate.