August 31, 2024 by Cassandra Johnson
The ups and downs. I think my sanity has been saved by no longer having to report to my second to last boss. I realized part of the struggle was not just proving myself to her, but increasingly more apparent, proving myself to me.
I realized, after several years, at a few different jobs, that attaining 100% on a performance review was designed to never be attainable. The deeper problem with such a scenario is how many people can either get buried while unsuccessfully trying to get there or ultimately just feel defeated. I am sure there is a healthier way to look at this as well as a healthier work environment where this is not a thing. Unfortunately, the luck of us landing in a healthy environment with good management may not be as attainable as matching our geography with our skills and who decides to hire us for the right amount of money? Also, will that end up matching our passions?
My second to last boss was daunting, and perhaps me having more credentials than her played a part in her reminding me/reminding us that she was on some imaginary upper level rather than our equal level. Then… she increasingly toyed with and finally crossed the lines of bigotry from the time I worked for her from 2015 through 2019, and even after I changed departments in my final year at the company in 2020, I felt the target on me. In the moments I instinctively countered her, I awaited the revenge *whether it be from the COO we both reported to or from her directly.
The fight I had in me to remember my credentials and all the praise I got from the members and customers we helped was really a fight to remember that I was good enough and not always just as good as the last thing I did. Some good coworkers also really encouraged me through those days. We found it mutually necessary.
There was a struggle to remember all the hard work I put in as well, because as usual, sometimes life gets in the way (we do not just have work to contend with but a whole array of items we need to survive and be a happy healthy person). Life plays out differently at different times. Look at any one of us and each person’s insecurities and vulnerabilities present uniquely and again vary depending on the moment.
So there I was with her and that structure and here I am without it. Being digital and being nomad has saved me from aging ungracefully (lol) and I have likewise been saved from feeling indescribably perpetually less than her or others. I also see myself as more capable than I knew. I forget. Life reminds me. I see how okay we should be at owning our accomplishments.
Thinking of the boss even back then, I found it better not to carry a grudge, because I noticed that anger blinded me more than acknowledging the concurring sadness and hurt I felt at being disregarded and dejected. It is easier and more stereotypical to be deemed an angry person (that made it somehow easier for her to double down) than it was to give me the raw despondent feelings of being human and heartbroken at poor treatment.
I remember a guy once ghosting me and reappearing to the tune of a text and email that simply stated: “How mad are you at me?” Within those moments, I realized it was easier for him to face an angry caricature of me than the true person he had disappointed. “…mad…?” How about “How sad and/or disappointed are you?”
There seems to be a lot more I know about myself. There also seems to be so much more I could uncover. Being nomadic, I am possibly learning more about all of life than I ever thought I would.