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meet me anywhere

DECEMBER 28, 2021 BY CASSANDRA JOHNSON

I made my way slowly back to the capital of Lima in Peru. I knew I had to be there in time for my return flight to the US. I had extended my stay and booked a later flight. I fully believed the people who warned me I was going to experience a reverse culture shock. I was struck by it during my first layover. I did not know how to describe the feeling that came over me in the East Coast airport, but it enveloped me in its starkness. I knew I was conditioned to being a Westerner and missed certain experiences which were uniquely home, but some roots also took hold of me when I was my in my home away from home. For some time, my native US was a bit overwhelming. While I had missed it, I now missed South America too.

Image Credit by Ernesto Rodriguez on Pixabay

Oh digress. For the time being I was soaking in my last days in Peru, creating my own stresses and enjoying my life too. The battle of human nature. There were still a lot of things I wanted to enjoy and experiences with which I insisted on challenging myself.

I spent quite a lot of my last days in Lima near Surco in an area that was known to be unsafe. For safety sake I take the moment to advise that Miraflores is one of the safest and nicest areas you will want to find yourself in for a quick or long stay. Surco can also be very nice, but some spots came with warnings from local friends and acquaintances.

I was near Surco visiting a friend who I became close to during my stay in the city of Cusco in Peru. She lived in the hostel which was mostly composed of us volunteers doing work at the school for neglected youth. She happened to not be volunteering in Cusco but with her living in the same spot, we became close and bonded even more as I told her the unique experience of where I had been – what it was like to be gritty and real in Pisco. I felt a bit responsible honestly for what turned into the accident she would experience there. She wanted to experience and take part in the organization there in Pisco because of my talk although she may say it was a combination of what others talked about as well and her own interests. She also noted (or maybe others did), her accident which landed her in a hospital in Lima where I coincidentally was able to visit her every day was a result of leisure time on a bar’s weak rooftop. There were a few bars we frequented there. Still, I was sad to see her in a hospital bed unable to walk and going through the process of healing before she would finally be able to do so again.

I was also just happy to see her, glad we were together again, filled with some degree of hopeful relief and remembering how she was with us for some of the time on those 3 am to 6 am outings in Cusco’s Plaza de Armas. That was life then and I never imagined the road she would have taken from there to Pisco and finally to this modern capital city.

Any given day

DECEMBER 22, 2021 BY CASSANDRA JOHNSON

The familiarity of the unusual. I made fast friends with a couple at Machu Picchu after we had just been toured around by a guide who inquired if we wanted to be taken through the world wonder together. Going it alone and learning would have been fine but there was a nice touch to officially hearing history and stories from him and the other tour groups along the way. As her boyfriend took a hike there after the tour, the girlfriend and I sat in the cafe discussing our travels. I thought how nicely the day had been salvaged (see my agitated and first wonder of the world recap). After all, I was not supposed to be alone but I had lost my original official tour and hiking package earlier that day.

About a month in, I had a fairly decent idea of an agenda after Pisco, Ica (departing from my initial decision to stay there throughout my entire time in South America) and I was already in Cusco, Machu Picchu. I had a good idea of the cities and countries I wanted to find myself in, but I was saving room for spontaneity too and even delays. You have to expect delays and other possible issues as well.

I also realized I was not ready for my time to be limited. As I spoke with my tour buddy, she talked about Argentina. Her home country was now my invitation. She wrote her address and contact information so neatly. The thing about this time is how I knew her offer was not empty. She fully meant if I made it to Argentina on this volunteer and now backpacking mission, I should visit her and her boyfriend there.

How absurd if I happened upon this information now, right? How unreasonable if I tried to link up with them, but somehow someway in another world and time and perspective, life has taught me it can be uniquely surprising. I never even considered I would go to Cuba, especially considering the barriers, but I was there in several cities over ten days. It may not be entirely insane and normal to see the Argentinian couple again. I am still close to a lot of people, so it makes more sense to see them with detailed plans. So while I have no possible plans to recount those memories together with the friendly pair, I see their invitation as symbolic of the many people I have met and will continue to meet.

My international itinerary stays Argentina bound now for the moment, fully expecting it be part of some repeat visits as Peru has come to be.

No need to apply pressure. No need to take on too much anymore, similar to how some jobs expect you to be wholly self-sacrificing. (Oops sorry: the flashbacks)

No need to be under additional strain, especially not needing to live experiences as a check list per se. Check lists help me regularly but I am ruling out some practices which have shown up unnecessarily, at least where I can help it.

Life is not easy in a lot of ways, but we can also make hard work out of too many expectations and inner and outside pressures. We can do better and cheers to other avenues coming our way.

Then it’s gone

November 30, 2021 BY CASSANDRA JOHNSON

I was sad to leave Cusco but a big part of me was ready. The volunteer work I did during the weekdays there was so different from the work we did in Pisco, so I had some affirmation that I was drawn to the right place when I did my first volunteer work abroad and signed up to do reconstruction work in Pisco, Peru. (I felt I could have stayed for even longer).

I realized Pisco still seems like going back to a second home as I was able to finally revisit.

Reconstruction work was so different from my office job at the time. The work was different for a lot of us, and we wanted it that way. The work was also something people would not expect or recall I had signed up to do. Some people still forget. They think of gigs like teaching English and though I have been involved in ESL, there is something more innate in me when I look at natural disaster recovery. Still yanking at me is the empowerment of both the workers and those who have been struggling to overcome what is so seemingly daunting.

Perhaps because of some struggles I have had in my also knowingly privileged life in the US, I wonder about all the work people can do if they have a chance not to have to worry about meeting their basic needs and furthermore what can happen when they participate in the transition.

After work in Cusco and a lot of play and exploration of historic and beautiful surroundings, I was almost ready to come back to D.C. Almost.

Awake

November 29, 2021 BY CASSANDRA JOHNSON

The attention on my way to the Cuban restaurant on a recent Friday night reminded me of the feeling of casually going out most evenings after volunteering in Cusco, Peru. At the time, the crew was now my three or four closest comrades (being that I had left the scores of volunteer friends in Pisco). We would regularly go the bars and clubs on Cusco’s plaza every night and stay out anywhere between about 3 to 6 am. There were some quieter evenings inside watching a movie, chatting or simply eating out but we most casually spent nights chilling and or dancing to deejays or live music at La Lek, Mama Africa or some other bar/club in the Plaza de Armas (quite different and reminiscent of the other Plaza de Armas – other main squares in L. America). This was easily our stomping ground between volunteering and touring the city.

Only in those cases, (different from this recent November chilly night), imagine replacing the guy on the bus (who had a nice Jamaican accent) with guys from Argentina and Chile who regularly pass through Peru on their “holiday”. Interesting how something unique can become interestingly common. It would be unusual for us not to get approached by a couple of guys from these regions at least a few times an evening or night and the nice thing about traveling to one place is getting even more exposure to other places from visitors outside the current country you’re in and your own. That was Cusco on any night. We had a lot of wandering aspirations in common with our sometimes dance partners or just fellow tourists – and some interesting ideas not so in common.

There was one guy I particularly liked. Now it seems like a lifetime ago. Some moments stick and some people leave quite the impression.

Getting out recently was a reminder of life to come. With my new work arrangement, I am also not on the subway or bus as much – so getting there was more a reminder of the nice convenience more than the necessary part of my life it was to get to my old job. After chatting with another guy (very young), who wanted my number and finally catching up with a friend over good drinks and food, I am ready for the randomness plus camaraderie. After safely getting use to a life a lockdown, it is nice to be back in the midst of people, enjoying good company and diverse cuisines. Dancing is the probably the last thing missing, (at least for now), the familiarity of taking music back from just workouts. Life is promising again, as it always can be with new seasons or just new days. I am reawakening to some potential I had to put on hold.

Thank You

OCTOBER 31, 2021 BY CASSANDRA JOHNSON

I will be back soon with more details about not knowing what to expect next. Suddenly my efforts to acquire freelance translations are not so much needed as I need more time to finish the work I am receiving. Again, a time where one must say, it is a good problem to have. However, I do look forward to sharing more and therefore need to carve out more time.

Fortunately, I have had the chance to continue teaching students English and to spend a lot of time messaging (when I can) and very much chatting with friends and family, because I’m more convinced than ever that life is really more worth the time I get to be in good company with those in person or otherwise who reciprocate my feelings. That is an appreciation note for you too.

There are times when you realize you are not appreciated. There are times when you realize you are not seen. You cannot always help this between obligations and attempts to participate in your life and we go through it in healthy or productive ways or not so much.

Perhaps it can be taken in stride and there is acceptance dealing with the scars and we survive and/or thrive. All emotions are natural. From time to time, we just do not care.

As my free time gets shorter, I just venture to say there are many times when the opposite is true and I dare to think we are a lot better at knowing who we support and who supports us. I want to look up in between my efforts and when my days are done and keep them in mind.

I Don’t Know

OCTOBER 30, 2021 BY CASSANDRA JOHNSON

I was putting myself out there, doing something I would not normally do, although I like taking risks in other areas of my life. I was taking a risk with someone who likes me (or did previously, or perhaps just thinks they do.) I think I could be wrong about any of that now and I’m more so use to dealing with being the one approached whether there is chemistry or unfortunately no chemistry. For this moment, however, I thought I just needed to be more open so the person would also know it was okay to be more open with me.

I was not going to judge if either of us was awkward. I have been smooth in enough situations. I  was not going to care if either of us did not know exactly what to say next – not because I was in some hurry to be such an evolved person but because sometimes when we play it too safe, we miss out on the fun experiences, simply just trying not look stupid in front of other people.

So we shall see. I usually try to avoid this risk where you are more out of control, where more of people’s reactions and your feelings are involved but on the flip side, if the feelings are matched and you get a true connection, the outcome is always more rewarding than just connecting to things. I run the risk of being hurt but doing nothing often feels a lot like not participating in potential as well.

This kind of reminds me of sandboarding for the first time. Sometimes, personal risks are easier. I know there was someone giving us instructions and advising us to be careful in certain ways but as a new leap, there is no being able to prepare for what the experience feels like. You are in a moment alone. You are in a decision alone and there no going back once you hit the momentum as I did, jetting down the sand dune.

Before a step, you have a chance to opt out. You have a chance to play it safe and change your mind.

I’m glad I didn’t. The first time when a flicker or a great deal of excitement strikes you at the idea of doing something or you feel like interestingly responding to someone special, you’re better off entertaining the thought, even if it takes you a while get there.

…

You Are Here

SEPTEMBER 30, 2021 BY CASSANDRA JOHNSON

Discouragement is part of the territory. Sometimes pain is self-inflicted. Sometimes we consider ourselves not to be reaching enough of our goals fast enough.

There was an incredibly simple song I enjoyed in primary school. Beginning with “little by little”*, there was such a polite nudge and a naturally successful logic to the ending of “little by lot”

I have been known to overwork in some fashions, obsessively moving towards some ends. However, I have become wiser in avoiding so much additional strain. The bruises have their own lessons.

Life’s leaps have not been exactly what I would imagine them to be, but I am fortunate to have the freedom to test my limits.

Work has been my latest attempt but getting to work for myself took considerable courage and I need some more. Nothing is certain.

Imagining exactly what something is like before you try is not expected. Personally, going away to college was one thing. Moving to a city where I did not know anyone was another.

Liberation and fears are included with your steps forward. You get discouraged some days and on other days you see your dreams as plausible.

Experiences up or down can hopefully change us for the better. My stress and pains have prepared me a little more. Discouragement can also have a way of giving us more to consider. Can we get past our believed and true obstacles? Success is the reminder.

Traveling alone to another country was better than I could have ever invented in my head. The trips like the leaps sometimes feel so natural. I have had these nudges to continue going where my goals are shifting and the what-ifs torment me way more than what seems impossible.

Figuring out our own puzzles is reaffirming as well as just giving ourselves the chance to try.

And Again

SEPTEMBER 28, 2021 BY CASSANDRA JOHNSON

I finally got the chance to visit my family again since lockdown. The visit was much needed. I first talked about the gift of getting to see them here. You May Go Home Again.

Now I just need to get there more often.

I need to get there as often as I plan to travel abroad again. Navigating this new world is tricky. I was at first uneasy about flying for the first time since the pandemic, but the airline and airport was pretty organized. It would be nice if we had reached a definitive goal in which we could all be sure or almost certain that we could not get ill, but uncertainty has lingered with us for what seems longer than 2 years. 2020 remains surreal to me. Life still feels adjacent because I think we may have also thought there would be a clear point when we could go without certain precautions, when cases would be mild. I imagine there could be a day when we see this but now the picture looks a lot more like adjusting to the new normal.

Being able to do more cautiously has been comforting. Knowing there is a lot to get through is daunting. Maybe life is not knowing exactly what we need to do next yet and figuring out our most responsible alternatives as we go.

Connection is needed and I am glad I got to do some more this past month. A variety of connection is needed, and better answers are welcome. We can be assured and admit what we do not always know. So I personally imagine I will keep making new decisions as I go. The path may not always be clear. The destination still calls us there.

Good Health

AUGUST 25, 2021 BY CASSANDRA JOHNSON

I think I have determined for me and some others, we may crave more variety than we know, hence the empty feeling of falling into a rut. What we may need is challenging work, a type of routine, dependability, spontaneity, vacation, and rest in different amounts depending on what drives us. Too much of one at any time has left us stuck, I am seeing.

Image Credit: Gerd Alrmann

We may crave variety more than we know while we also need stability. The wistful feeling of falling into some monotony while establishing a reliable routine became more apparent to me recently as routines became incredibly routine. I did not mind doing what was needed but I began to see how we all have to really take care of ourselves and have the proper outlets, entertainment, and recuperation.

In the natural flow of life, I found I seek comforts but also want to be challenged. I want to be pleasantly surprised, feeling safe with some place where I can continue to take risks.

Just when there has been enough rest and vacation, I actually find it nice to have the challenge of fulfilling work where I am accomplishing something.

Just when feeling like work is relentless and not wanting to deal with any stress that comes with communicating work politics and meeting proper deadlines, a nice getaway filled with idyllic scenery is a great touch or a staycation is a nice reset.

Within the layers, we can revel in a night out with friends dancing and laughing or a quiet walk outside with just a headset in tow. Working from a different part of my home office or mixing remote work with office work when I was still at my last company, I began to look forward to both and the change in scenery. Inserting some variety helped me appreciate the options. Distinguishing between what I prefer and what I do not like, which could also change, fit my big picture.

A healthy emotional state can be hard to maintain and should not be expected. We remember being “only human” and “there is no such thing as perfection” but those sentiments still seem rejected, striving in ways that sometimes are not perfectly attainable and forgetting some significant wins.

We still have a lot of possibilities for what life may bring and I would like to find my way by mixing it up. Variety, it’s true, is the spice of life*. Even in our interests, we should consider uncovering as much as we can.

Testing

AUGUST 24, 2021 BY CASSANDRA JOHNSON

I am pleased with the influx of work which has been coming my way because now I can better figure out my independent work style.

Since I was so used to going the extra mile for employers and organizations, any time away was just a sign for rest though I had started to dabble into my side hustle in 2018. I was convinced I could be quite successful, if I did it full time and put in just half the effort I put into colleagues and managers, and their customers. However, there is something coupled with working for yourself (at least this something accompanied me). Although I was and have been very motivated, I had some challenges distinguishing among the need for recuperation and going all in on productivity. The other interesting issue was being willing to market myself as well as I marketed someone else’s mission statement.

Conditioning is challenging to dismiss. and I was simply used to working on other people’s behalf for years. Some good comes with that. Everything I did before has helped prepare me for dealing with life now but there is also a downside if you lean towards people pleasing in any sort of way. You have to know for yourself how past habits and the focus on pleasing others can overshadow your own goals.

People in work environments can even take advantage of your disposition though I learned some time ago, this is a sign of a poor structure. The look of this may mean being showered with praise without any true additional compensation or no praise so workers are constantly doing more to prove their worthiness.

The resolution is knowing how good we are and realizing the significance we bring and even if we are not as wondrous as the next person or reached our highest level yet, we can become better (and yes, more accomplished than others), without turning the negativity into bad reactions and unhealthy efforts.

The resolution for me was putting myself into the situation of not being privy to the conditioning environment. No need to be so drastic but this rearrangement causes me to mainly hold myself accountable and get down to the core of my skills. I am faced with my own market value because quality and efficiency are a direct reflection on how well my business grows and how much I take care of myself and the clients I want to serve better.  This is my catalyst to attempting to do well and pick myself up from my mistakes.

I am pleased I am getting there and get to do work which helps people. I am pleased and a lot less nervous.😊