August 31, 2022 by Cassandra Johnson
I came across an old email from 2013. The email was for a bible study revamp. The email also served as a reminder of not being entirely where I was accepting of myself.
I wanted to observe many spiritual expressions. I liked this one because it reminded me of what my parents could have been doing when they were my age and much younger in their respective states. However I got my wires crossed in action sometimes.
Fortunately, I have found more of a spiritual lifestyle that speaks to my support but a lot of what I did before became motions and not feelings. I wanted to do more for more people but did not feel as if I was perfect enough. Silly because no one is perfect. Yet in helping, I felt I needed to get at least all the processes right.
I got compliments but the shortcomings steered my attention more. Why is that sometimes? Still working to focus on the good. I spent many hours on some lessons and greeting, chatting, trying to do more but sometimes I felt even less of myself.
I know the lessons of being accepted. I know equally the lessons of being rejected. They just get a little trickier as you get older when on some levels, processes can seem okay or okay enough. Different thought leaders fit my lifestyle at different times. I learned lessons about already being okay and striving out of a sense of being well-intended and positive, rather than just out of obligation.
The revamp was a single example where I felt I did okay but when I left the project, I felt little importance, not that I was supposed to feel important. (Yet we all should, right?) It was a bit of a mystery to be unfulfilled but to also know it is because you are wondering about something different for your life.
I can lead but not so much be leader in all spaces, (there I definitely was not) and not because of the people who I cared for but ultimately because it was just not my journey – not idealistic to the place or ways I belong.
After all, I then had real proof of belonging in some really good relationships and some really good spaces volunteering abroad and here – fitting more naturally like I fit with my family.
Being different was not equal to not fitting in, especially when I still felt accepted and driven by what I like. I don’t mind being the common or the odd duck. I was feeling neither in the new space I was in, and unfortunately not for lack of liking a lot of cool people, this was just not exactly me.
So I asked myself about those many minutes I spent waiting somewhere, being late, staying late, creating something and worrying if it would be okay, if I would be okay. I wondered if some time was wasted – how I could have been spending time otherwise. Maybe. However, not really.
I was keyed into more of what I wanted. Most of all, I am more grateful for how I have changed and stayed the same (true in a lot of instances). At my core, I always knew some ways I would always like to behave and projects I would prefer.
I am grateful for the people who cared. I am grateful when I no longer need some praise or my excuses.
Not always belonging is a gift sometimes, even in a spiritual space or place where you think you could be accepted for being you or at least feel like you can be you. Rejection can be a life saver and most definitely a time saver. Sometimes, pathways do need to be etched out but for me in this instance, no. It was only necessary for the time I was introspective and how I could contribute, not at all indicative of this being my home forever.
Still, I know this to be the right place for a lot of people. Understandably. I know just how people alternatively got a better sense of fitting in where I do not. Just life. Thank goodness we are such a variety and thank goodness we are the same in a lot of ways. We want to be respected, care for others and know we are cared for too.