March 31, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson
The pain of saying goodbye. I write of this because it affected my life comprehensively. I am no stranger to grief, which of course does not make it any easier, just familiar. I saw our relationship coming to an end but did not want to talk about it. How much more inviting it was to pretend. How fun it was to think he was not exactly right for me but that we would be together in some kind of fairy tale rom-com. They say opposites attract and almost sure enough, although we had similar core values and tastes, we also had some significant opposing stances. I realized I was really falling for him, especially when we were just connecting on our beliefs and not on an overarching issue like fiscal policy.
We were close, or so I thought, but first, let me go back a bit.
We met in Fall and what was romantic turned to friendship. The scenario seemed reversed, so all the more reason I thought this could probably end better than previous designs on my heart. The movies show a cute chemistry of couples disagreeing while falling for each other, which we seemed to mirror.
The stories do not seem to especially zero in on the struggle of miscommunications and the baggage we may carry from past hurts. What became very real to me was how much I did not want to be hurt and how I ran for the hills before he pulled me back, for which I both thanked and blamed him. I walked into some familiar disappointments that I thought I could avoid. However, I also matured in opting to be more open and vulnerable. Being long distance made it harder and I wondered if it could have been easier or even tougher if we saw each other every day. Who is to say? Also, I knew there were a lot of platitudes, and I began to wonder how much of our excitement was sustainable and how much was being in love with love. I questioned our staying power. Initially, his excitement was overwhelming. I tried to reach a slower pace that was not me simply being guarded.
I write of this to be transparent about the recent challenges of a relationship ending. I write of this in appreciation for what now seems to be fading behind me. I more so reflect on the irreplaceable gratitude I considered in my last post.
Here was another part of my growing process. In spite of just being disappointed, I am thankful. Even a day that felt like a digression was another day heading away from the initial disappointment. The painful moments of letting go were not constant. They stung but were not meant to last and I can appreciate the relief from any issues we had been facing. I can take comfort in the humor and affection that always gets to be what it was. The experiences will always be what we have and how we got to enjoy each other. I would rather be here and have learned, knowing I got to be there and knowing I get to be better.