June 30, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson
Who knows you better than you know yourself? I was speaking to a friend recently (who was innocent of what was happening in our conversation on all accounts). I realized he was talking about his future vacation spots and his idealized romantic future as if I shared the same outlook. While I was excited, it was more happiness for him, rather than vicariously. The places he wants to go and the career goals he has set for himself are not my own. I was realizing this more and more as he expected me to share a wistful moment. I did not. I could not and I was happy I snapped out of it.
Similarly, I recall when I was asked about what I had done previously, traveling solo to a place that my aunt in Alabama thought was dangerous. She followed up with … “you won’t do that again now, will you?” Just prior to that, she had referred to me being brave, but maybe not with the most complimentary tone. The “won’t do that again” frightened me more than being alone in an unfamiliar place. It occurred to me that it threatened to take away my dream. It was just a different angle that left me thinking twice.
Her fear was something unspoken that had caused me not to travel sooner. Getting the courage to do that and even to move to my current location took some convincing of myself. I still find it hard not to hear the contrary thoughts, the possibility of failure and some implication to how strange some of what I may consider is.
Odd how someone can speak an affirmation on another person’s behalf, including the scenario in which a friend sought for us to be on the same page in our dreams and whether we were reaching them or not.
If I did not trust in myself better (even on my low days) or if my imbalance did not give me clues that I am unsettled and still growing, I might think I could be satisfied with what they told me. I could tell myself I can go those routes which they would find most acceptable and most comfortable.
Though I may not be sure of everything, I am also okay. I know the passions that have lingered for me even when I am wondering, and I need an eventual reminder that my space is not to be filled with another person’s “appropriate” plans for me.
This happens a lot for some of us, I notice. With fear and uncertainty, we could falter. I remind myself I cannot plan from a place of both my own fears and the fears of others. We do know ourselves best, even in confusion, sometimes even in my temporary delusion. Still, no one can replace our truest thoughts. At the beginning or the end of our process, we have to be real with ourselves or remain dissatisfied.
We are the most familiar with all the interests and needs we require to be happy and secure, without harming others of course. No one could thoroughly guess or be so inclined to give you what you need or will they necessarily be driven to do so, despite the greatest intention.
Not necessarily selfish on anyone else’s part, the call just gets louder to pursue personal interests, limiting the regrets. Every individual can envision an enhanced path. May we have access and the will to explore it.