Imagined This

June 18, 2024 by Cassandra Johnson

Surprising clarity about my preference for living in Peru strikes me repeatedly. It hits in different ways. Beginning as a feeling of belonging when I first stayed for months in parts of 2010 and 2011, staying with me when I returned to the US, played with when I revisited in 2019 and here again as I experience the main city instead of the others I was in before.

I could live elsewhere, yet the current decision has seemed to narrow down to choosing between Lima and Cusco. I picture myself enjoying both long-term. The key may mean trying both again, but this time, just as a digital nomad rather than a volunteer. 

I was trying to consider Mexico. I enjoyed Merida, but perhaps more to visit. I enjoyed Oaxaca, yet my mindset was very much wrapped around touring and relaxing there. I was momentarily considering relocating to other Mexican cities (not Guadalajara) as well, but being back in Peru has reiterated my initial desires of living here. 

With further thought: This also does not have to be final, but very possibly some part of my final choices (living in 1 or more countries, including the US).

I am reminded I can change my mind. I can also still try what I am drawn to, what I was dreaming of, mark one experience off the list, fine tune this one or the next one, or set it aside altogether.

Experimenting brings some fear but less daunting vibes, knowing I have been here before and even what I have not done is just a compass for what to try.

Traveling Gratitude

May 31, 2024 by Cassandra Johnson

Since Guadalajara was tepid to cold, I appreciate having Merida before and Oaxaca after, all the much more.

There is the possibility I had situated myself in the wrong Guadalajaran neighborhood in a mismatched hostel. There is the possibility I was there at the wrong time with standoffish co-guests and staff. They seemed friendlier to one another. Fortunately, I had not experienced such a feeling before nor have I experienced similar, following this one, save a few people who don’t click or clash within the transient groups.

There were the intermittent nice people in the city, but the overall feeling of being in the way, while doing what anyone else was doing, seemed to be a running theme. I had to suddenly realize how my usual experience abroad had spoiled me with kindness, warmth, and excitement. Other places were not without awkward or tense times. Those times were just so far from the norm.

Nice encounters could certainly be nice throughout my visit to Guadalajara, but I still missed some typical courtesies, which I extend as well in my interactions. I am glad Oaxaca reiterated my good and even flattering experiences in Mexico and that Peru is cementing my affection and joy of continuing my travels.

Was this Guadalajara or the city-particular reception to me or just a coincidence to the spaces in which I found myself. Maybe? There were moments I even felt like some of the truly kind people looked somewhat concerned or particularly attentive to me.

I acknowledged my excited expectations had finally waned and coupling my accommodations with a final hotel stay gave me some needed reprieve, for I could hibernate for a day, doing what I wanted to do indoors plus the staff was friendly. I picked up my personal city walk a day later. I opted out of the Tlaquepaque and the Tequila train tour to put money towards my next good times. I am open to doing both later.

I was momentarily concerned that my own energy would shift into a single bitterness. I am eternally grateful for Merida, Oaxaca, and Lima currently. (I may revisit Cusco and the Ica region of Peru again soon).

I do not want to judge or accept only one 7-day stay as my final impression of Guadalajara so I will leave this here and enjoy the time I have traveling now, while continuing to be thankful for all I have been able to do, including the tough lessons learned along with the beauty of the places and the pleasant people who continue to dwell there. 

Accommodation me

March 31, 2024 by Cassandra Johnson

In my last post, I wrote about a lot of random incidences, circumstances in which I had to work around. So…

I checked into a boutique hotel for the day.

There was enough of dealing with mulling things over in my head for the moment.

I knew I needed the break from thinking and a taste of more luxury than a lot of Airbnbs could offer me. I also needed a break from some truly nice hostels. The mental break was needed and it is not the first time I have decided to do so. That is all I have to say about that. . .

. . . well except it was a mini vacation from too much regular work and a vacation from the work of life

Also, this was a ready reminder of the particular kinds of things I may need, (which perhaps could be a lot of what we all need). My needs include regrouping and revisiting my thoughts. At times, I require a particular kind of rest, focus, stillness, reorganizing, only talking to people who make me feel supported and vice versa and the potential to earn a living at a nicer less-demanding pace.

Being in a private AirBnB for a couple of weeks currently is what I need and have now.

Hostels have been a great budget-friendly choice for me as well. They typically have a built-in friendly community and activity vibe but are not always the most conducive to completing projects are growing side gigs.

Each accommodation type seems to showcase a variety of perks and limitations, depending on one’s needs and preferences and so far I have found I can be uplifted or face obstacles in each. I do not like to be too alone but sometimes I really need some space.

I like saving money but I also don’t mind the elements of luxury. It probably speaks well to my nomadic movement and of course has a lot to do with how well I project my budget and advocate for my owed compensation. Finally, a lot just informs me of my own blueprint and perhaps how I can inform others with their decisions.

Behind and all around me is the map of my supposed preferences and completely before me are the unwritten encounters that will shape me.

Today, We Leap

February 29, 2024 by Cassandra Johnson

I like how rare this is. We only get one leap day every four years, and I am reminded I have reignited the plunge I sparked in 2010. I am reminded I have the capacity to do what is unique and strange again. Like many friends (bus, train and flight-bound), I have been nervous along the way but as I noted: My expectations and inspiration far outweigh any doubt I easily identify as a potential obstacle growing into regret.

Everyday, I am reminded I am different in a country not my own. In the country that was my own, the difference began to meet rejection early on. Fair moments, revelations and acceptance could do their work, yet fall short of those experiences which shape our formative years.

Now abroad in Mexico, somehow, the difference seems more welcome, reminding me of affectionate conversations and quality time I had during Pisco Sin Fronteras (Pisco Without Borders). Looking very different from the other Westerners that went to Peru to volunteer then, I wanted to be a part of improving infrastructure after a natural disaster and be someone who shared experiences with people who worked along with us and could face the same judgments I could.

As I wrote of a new life that is healing to me, I sometimes feel like a casual liaison between home and new international places who can be friendly and say a lot or not much at all. I get to be a person who is free, friendly, pensive, outgoing and reserved.

I am consistently aware of how different I am. Only this time, the difference isn’t as daunting as having to be in a space where I could be instantly judged poorly on any micro or macro level or feel expected to represent a variety of people despite my own independent ideas and presence.

This time, being as different as I naturally am feels welcomed abroad by local people, new residents and other visitors like me. Affection and innocent curiosity is exchanged for the microscope (though this can still appear). The boxes to be fitted in don’t remain so close as they used to be. Many of us have already chosen something so left of the norm. Abnormal becomes the usual.

I know there is no perfection. I know both being welcomed and unwelcomed exist in all our spaces, but there is such a stark contrast between first worrying I could easily not find homes away from my native home yet managing to stumble upon comfort again and again.

Out there

October 30, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson

I actually found a to-do list that is nearly finished. Granted, this particular one (I have many) only had about 3 things on it. Still. 😊 Some semblance to progress.

Over this past month, as one closet seemed empty and a bit neater, one room became more jumbled. Yet, progress can sometimes appear a bit messy and not exactly how you would envision it. My intentions and actions began with some type of order but not much could stay neatly in place as the more I reviewed items and the more I had to dismantle furniture and areas of my place, the process took on a life of its own, depending on my job work load, other commitments, desires and people’s responses to what I was selling and giving away. To get to the point I am in now, I could control the overarching momentum of this move but not everything. Both sides of that led to my liberation. Still, I also made sure I had my very necessary social time with friends and family. I leaned into the peace and laughter they give me.

Still, I am a bit surprised at myself as I walk around my soon to be former apartment now starting to echo but I won’t stop being anxious until my nomadic plan starts to seem real again, not until I’m in that flying seat to San Juan, Puerto Rico, with only virtual matters in my head, like online banking and my new Traveling Mailbox.

It’s comforting to think of the freedom of not being tied to this particular spot, yet I will have some very small storage I expect to downsize and eliminate in the coming year or two. I’m thankful I finally found a guy with reasonable pricing and a very strong physique to help me with this last part of lifting these items and doing it ever so quickly. I will remember that he made the last few days of my time here ones with more ease. I take it as a sign of people reminding me I’m worth this and how much community is necessary.

I really am grateful for a lot. I appreciate how there are people who like my offers and there are people who didn’t break my bank (like the gentleman above) and who were genuinely enthusiastic about working with me.

My hiccups have been ever present so knowing I could overcome some has fueled my energy. Other moments, I imagined giving up or perhaps just giving in and trying another route I do not actually think I want.

I like the sense of knowing a lot of this is directed by me already. Sure. I want to relinquish the plan-making to someone else now and then, but there is also a lot of encouragement in knowing my whims could lead to very real dreams. We will see.

Why We Follow

September 30, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson

Those Aspirations. I see why we cannot secretly let them go. I see why, if we seemingly talk ourselves out of them (not naturally just changing them), we can’t always forget.

I felt some weight lift off my shoulders yesterday as I imagined visiting new places again while submitting my 30-day notice. I gradually became less tied to how this could also be perceived. I took a little break from the warnings to be careful in “strange” places and talking me out of going.

This may just look different. Though it does feel good, admittedly I also feel odd and also know I can again intermittingly get tied to those perceptions above. Unwittingly.

It may look like giving up stability. Honestly, it is giving up one kind. On the other hand…

I also see being a digital nomad as having a lot more potential freedom and choices to explore before deciding on what stability means again.

That weight off my shoulder was just one benefit. I could also sense the physical and emotional wellbeing of letting go of the stress that comes with maintaining a lifestyle in this cosmopolitan area (though I loved this area!) Having more time with friends and family is more necessary and welcome to my wellbeing now.

I felt less rancor creeping in at what I could be missing by working harder and longer and only playing part of the time.

My energy feels better directed, not just aimed at meeting goals that are no longer right for me.

Each timeframe is different.

I feel a growing grace and empathy, knowing how scared many of us can be, at any stage, to give up what we know for things not promised. However, we have come this far because of our capabilities. We have proof more is possible.

We have permission to get information wrong and view missteps and unforeseen circumstances as the chance to redirect.

We have permission not to have all the answers. We have room to commend ourselves. We can tread carefully, take our time, or take a leap. We each get to seek out the goals best for us, increasingly reminded to also give ourselves peace.

made me do it

September 27, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson

Finding a home for my Cuban cigars was one thing. Giving away 1 end table out of 2 was another. Securing my virtual mailbox was just completed this morning and giving away my beloved bookcase is in progress.

There is still so much but spaces are clearing. My hope is growing and so is my uncertainty. I hope for the best but naturally I can’t squash the fear. I can fantasize about what is on the other side of picking up and traveling again but I can also feel my nerves taking over from time to time. The fear, the anxiety and the excitement have to live together for now. It’s helpful to know people are doing it and it’s being done all the time. Still, wish me luck and thanks for always cheering me on.

Now that I have started, I can’t stop.

I started in August this year. Likewise, I started back in 2010, played with some getaway moments. I dived in during the past but had more of a safety net to dive back into (but I do have to remind myself I was extremely nervous then as well). I have to remember how now that I have experienced it, I have a better picture of how to navigate new surroundings, happily. Yet, I also know how uncomfortable life can be when one is just getting their footing. Additionally, we know there can be some issues. There can be moments we don’t particularly care for and ones we absolutely dislike.

Sentimentality too. I really like DC (a reminder that this was another part of my fantasy life realized).  Hearing the musician on the metro platform last night particularly made me pre-nostalgic for my second home. I will miss that. I will miss a lot but as they say, you don’t know what you don’t know. There is even more to experience. I never could have imagined how much I would have fell for the landscape and culture of Peru, much like I fell for the nuances of DC. I can only imagine what a place looks to be like. How a space makes you feel is a whole other matter.

Like my previous somewhat dares, I am again more excited about the prospects than fearful of what I can’t even imagine discovering.

Now, I have started, I can’t stop. I can’t imagine.

August

August 31, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson

2006 to 2023. Have I been here a little longer than I expected? I suspect I am just surprised how much time has passed. I was open to different professional and personal outcomes, but I see most experiences lead me back to the same clarity.

August 1st: I completely accepted that I am again ready for another setting, more interested in connecting with friends and family more often.

Similar to yesterday’s reflection, I am fairly set on how much I am just going to look forward to visiting here.

August 4th: Downsizing proves to be just as much effort as I have been forewarned about. Naturally I did not want to see this as daunting for my own wellbeing. Couldn’t this just be extra busy work? Couldn’t this still be seamless?No. Not at all. I also need a lot of other aspects to fall into place like the availability of people and their interests in acquiring more stuff along with me having the time to deal with all such circumstances. Also factor in unexpected events like today’s impromptu dental appointment😊 (Enter August 31st).

August 12th: Feeling reality. I’m feeling confident and uncertain. These two exist together, somehow. I dismantle some furniture and clean out my end tables. I go through old mementos. I remove unnecessary items from my bookcase. With so many details, I push my trip back (admittedly with some procrastinating comfort). I can’t push back my desires. This could get messy. This is also okay.

The month flies like so many with me determined not to forget my everyday demands.

August 26th – DC United Soccer – My good friend and I spend the evening at the home game and hanging out. Perfect timing for a nice outing. There was the thought of how long ago it had been since we watched the game in person, so much so, we were just now getting to enjoy the new Stadium. I was reminded of my younger more impressionable years when I first arrived here. I was reminded of the now defunct stadium we once cheered in.

Everything was welcome in its own time.

August.

The challenges remain.

The goals do too.

Pending

August 30, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson

This city (district) doesn’t exactly feel like mine anymore. I was imagining a near future in which I would now be a temporary visitor here. I was imagining myself as a tourist who knows all the ins and outs of this place. I would still navigate it comfortably.

I have lived here since 2006.

Different times, different occupations, different favorite spots. Now some of those favorite spots are closed. A lot of really nice places have remained. I don’t imagine the museums and galleries ever disappearing, just changing somehow.

I know this place well. Another home.

I worked in neighboring Virginia during my initial years here while living in adjacent Maryland, enjoying the MV of the DMV, but of course always hanging in DC and spending most of my last years living here. I have been fascinated with DC neighborhoods like Dupont Circle, Georgetown, U Street, Le Droit Park, Gallery Place, Farragut North, all of downtown and some more and it is funny how various subchapters have unfolded where I ended up spending part of certain years or several months frequenting the same spots. How interesting it is to be drawn to certain venues and paths making the way back to various apartments or hanging out with friends in intriguing or simply cozy destinations.

Of course, there is always the monumental backdrop. There is always what naturally draws tourism like the Reflecting Pool, like Abraham Lincoln’s statue towering even though his position is seated surrounded by his most notable speeches and quotes. There are those cherry blossoms refusing to simply stay put in the Tidal Basin and therefore sprinkling themselves into everyday corners and neighborhoods yet remaining most breathtaking and full at their base.

Experiences: Happy Hours. Giggling over dinner. Failed romantic dates. Unforgettable kisses. Random lines. Overpriced brunches. Surprisingly underpriced happy hours. Favorite dance clubs. Crowded bars. Some random fun. Convenient subway/metros and early-to-late buses. A district/city so ready for the influx of Uber and Lyft. Green spaces amongst the buildings so conducive to outdoor events like the World Cup on the Jumbotron, Screen on the Green, 2008 Inauguration, Embassy Open House weekend and free cultural festivals. Sooo many free museums.

Certainly, D.C. I will miss you. So, maybe I am stalling for an additional reason other than simultaneously attempting to sell, give away and discard my things. Amidst excitement, this place has left me with a familiar bittersweet feeling in my admitted propensity towards sensitivity (both good and bad). I want to stay and at the same time, I am insatiably excited to leave. It has to be stated. You were very much a part of my growth as much as OHIO and the international stops here and there. You always will be.

So while it will be different not settling back in here again, I can lean into my own reflection of Ours to Claim. I am now more excited to more readily see friends and family in my new mobile life, fortunate DC was a vision I also came to see.

Not That

July 31, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson

Realizing we are not simply what we do is eye opening.

We often can be expected to show “what we bring to the table” for work and when partnering up in romance.

From another perspective, we may not realize how we can better and more naturally be characterized by our passions, disposition, temperament, how we treat others and how we treat ourselves.

Achievement and attainment do not completely tell the story about who we are and how not to succumb to feeling like we cannot do or be enough.

Naturally showing up at the table: This can be a different side of my crumbs observance. There is a danger of being overly demanding of ourselves, overly evaluating outside objects and objectives. Marketing preys on that, asking or telling us what we are supposedly lacking, and how we can be filled up with what is being offered. Of course, items and experiences can add value to life and meet our needs and wishes. Achievement can add ease and innumerable benefits to our own lives and others. Getting there is just not the everything it can present itself to be. You begin as everything and expand from there.

We naturally influence others by our personality, passions, concerns, doing or nothing-doing and they influence us.

I credit the vaycarian group I follow for highlighting this for me too, reminding me of tiny whispers I had heard of this before. Achievements are not what makes you worthy nor exactly what can make you valuable to other people. Reaching objectives is noteworthy. Going towards them in the way you do is inspiring. Still, your life can prove influential no matter what. All the good intentions, hopes and attempts are exemplary.

Achievements can be tools for more service and fulfilment for us and others. They do not subtract from our inherent value when we are not fulfilling or have not fulfilled them.

I would be lying to myself to imagine how giving up goals is a complete answer or correct. They matter. I enjoy a nice challenge and the celebration as well. I enjoy witnessing that energy from others too.  Still, I lean into this realization and reminders. The objectives do not need to be a complete substitution for who we naturally are, nor for all the experiences on our way to Point B.