That Nothing is Better Than Something

May 29, 2023 by Cassandra Johnson

Crumbs will get you in trouble, crumbs from relationships, crumbs for work, crumbs from what you expect for your life, When I started compromising what I wanted in a career, I realized a lot of people do. The field and title I had at my first job out of college was nice but not exactly the ambassadorship I envisioned.

When I moved from Ohio to enjoy the DC area (the DMV), I enjoyed it but also lived in Maryland and worked in Virginia before I later moved into DC proper years later. I was more the M and the V. I passed through the District all the time. I hung out there, but this too was not exactly my vision of being immersed in my new domicile.

That handsome guy in the DC area seemingly checked off all the boxes. I had liked him from a distance. Once we broke the ice, we were in touch every day. Only the sense of humor I appreciate also included an element I did not like and my desire for chill paired with going out did not fit his insular lifestyle.

While compromise can be a necessity or useful, I found myself over-compromising. In all the above experiences, I was trying to eke out little things I thought could leave me happy. They are just examples but really speak to more instances, how I want to hang out, what I want to eat, how much I want to dance. . . .so many tiny things could leave me wondering, wanting more.

A little tweak here. A little tweak there. It is more recently that I realized I did so many little things not quite matching my desires. As I started to ask honest questions about where I wanted to work (from anywhere) who I wanted to work for (myself), I see how I increasingly closed down my true wants in the past. Doing a lot of what I want has happened. A lot has not happened as well. Now it is more apparent when less people can meet me where I am (sometimes quite literally) and overall, we are empowered not to inconvenience each other so much.  I want people to enjoy themselves and us to enjoy each other as well.

Compromise should be given not in the ways that build resentment or discomfort and for me, a taste of what I want is sometimes just a distraction. Sometimes it is inspiring, but I have to check in with how I really feel especially if I dislike some elements, like my aforementioned prospective’s behavior. The truth is I did not need any part of it at all and that similarly continues to be true when I look at returning to my previous industry.

When I became a freelancer, I hit reset, asking myself how I can do more of what I love. I venture to say so many people may not get the time to ask. During my week, it randomly depends on the day.

However, taking away the work of commuting,  I can drill down to what I like about now and what I dislike. There are definite parts I would change. I can look up and be reminded how I can shift a little more and how I really want to feel in my environment. Have my goals changed? As we can design so much of what gets our time, how do we honestly want to spend it.